Trying on swimwear

Does anyone know a good marine biologist?  Cause I swear, I’m going to need someone with a great knowledge of whales to get anything to fit ME this summer.  I wiggled, jiggled, God knows I cursed and cried, but nothing was holding me in. 

Why don’t they make bathing suits for women who are larger than a C cup, yet their boobs are real?  Does anyone really have the ability to squeeze forty (or more, we won’t discuss just how many) years worth of dill pickle chips, chocolate cake, and other fattening things into a piece of material?  Am I the only one who feels this way?

I thought about taking my husband with me, but he said he was busy.  In other words, he is afraid to tell me that I look good and have me accuse him of lying.  Or he’s afraid to be honest and then I’d have to kill him.  So I can’t blame him for not coming.  Plus he’s no marine biologist.

Remember back when I said I didn’t believe in plastic surgery?  That I would rather be real than a Barbie?  Well, that Barbie may have known a few things after all.  However, the thought of having two breasts with no nipples and an ass with no crack to… well, do anything out of… I think I’ll stop complaining and just stay away from the beach this year.

Or I could go back to the ‘olden’ days, when you weren’t allowed to show much skin.  Now those were the days.  You could hide everything.  I don’t know how my skinny little chicken legs are holding up this body, but for heaven’s sake, let’s save the whales!  Keep me off the beach.