I pondered my Thursday Thirteen long and hard today, no pun intended, and have come up with my snarky take on what a hero should never do! Ever-Never.
1. Chew Tobacco. For someone like me, the thought of a brown stained tooth or spittle dripping from his chin does not make my heart beat faster.
2. Scratch his happy stick. Yes, real men do it, I know, but in romance the hero never should. The thought of that itching for any reason is a major turn-off.
3. He should never pick any orifice and flick it anywhere. I swear, I get tired of being in public and turning away in disgust when a man shoves Mr. Pinky up a nostril and then takes a quick glance at it before flinging it across the room to land on a surface some poor, unsuspecting victim will come into contact with.
4. Be shorter than the heroine–unless you’re Anita Blake, she pulls it off rather well–but, most women do not want to feel in any way like they have to protect their man. I don’t care what the feminist *raises hand* say, push come to shove, I want my man to take care of me.
5. Call the heroine any reference to the female dog, unless role playing. ;0
6. Let the door slam in the heroine’s face. Not only is it rude, but real men hold the door for ladies.
7. Pass gas. Really, we deal with this with our own hubs enough, we don’t want to slink through a novel full of it. Believe me, I’ve actually read one with this in it. Pee-yew.
8. Be unemployed. Come on, when I’m envisioning myself in the heroine’s shoes, I don’t fantasize about taking care of a man.
9. Let the heroine win a fight. Let her think she’s won, but we really don’t want to win. If we win, then we think less of the hero, therefore shrinking is hero-status to grunt.
10. Turn yellow-belly and run. Unless of course, it is to rescue the fair maiden, but he must come back and seek vengeance at some point.
11. Need a beer to take the heroine home. A sloppy lover is a sorry lover.
12. Make a reference to his Momma’s anything when comparing it to his love. Don’t you hate it when your honey says, “Baby, this dinner is good, but it’s not Momma’s.” My thoughts: Go find your Momma, you ungrateful lug.
13. Try on the heroine’s clothes. No, there is never a reason. Authors please don’t do this to your heroes.
Thank you for listening to my opinions and advise on how to create a hero I want to read about.
Rachel Firasek
Bio:
Rachel’s writing career began at the impressionable age of twelve with a poem dedicated to the soldiers of Desert Storm. A dark macabre affair that earned her a publication in an anthology and many raised eyebrows from family and friends, she hid her poetry and artistic style for years…
Tucked away in the heart of Central Texas, with the loving support of her husband and three children, she dusted the cobwebs from her craft. Returning to those twisted regions of her mind, she creates dark urban fantasies and soul-searching paranormal romance.
To learn where love twists the soul and lights the shadows, visit Rachel at http://www.rachelfirasek.com/
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0 COMMENTS
Laura Diamond
13 years agoHahahahaha! Good list. 😉
Berinn
13 years agoHa! Those are good (and true!).
Amelia James
13 years agoStroking his happy stick however…. *fans self*
Susana
13 years agoI think there should be an exception for #5. When everyone’s a werewolf being called a reference to a female dog seems inevitable and possibly necessary.
Rachel Firasek
13 years agoBerinn and Laura, thanks for coming by!
Amelia, I like the way you think. *winks*
Traci Bell
13 years agoGreat list, Rachel.
Rebecca
13 years agoOk, I disagree with that bit about never letting the heroine win a fight. I have no use for damsels in distress, even in romantic fiction. Being run roughshod over is not sexy. Finding a guy who is actually aware enough of others around him to realize what his lady needs and helps her find it is.
Karin Shah
13 years agoNice list, though on the serious side I’d add, no sleeping with someone else and he should never be married. I’ve seen marrieds on both sides lately (in books) and it’s a no-go for me!
Karin
Joselyn Vaughn
13 years agoThis list is hilarious! “happy stick” will have me chuckling for days. 🙂
Rachel Firasek
13 years agoSusana, possibly, but weres would be the only exception. lol
Traci, thanks!
Rebecca, maybe I wasn’t clear. I talking about more of the petty argument types. But to test my theory, let your other half lose all the time and then take stock in his value.
Karin, dang how did I miss that one.
Joselyn, I’m so glad I could entertain, today. lol. It was a fun post to write.
Thanks to everyone for coming out and being so supportive. You guys rock!
Christine Ashworth
13 years agoComing in late, but I have to agree with your list, Rachel! Oh and if you haven’t read Rachel’s PIPER’S FURY, go! Buy! And READ! It’s REALLY good.
Santini Santiago
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