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Beyotching with Bonnie

Tattoos and Piercings

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I’m sorry, but there is nothing more disgusting than seeing a beautiful woman, or hunk of a man, covered in tattoos. Gross! You can’t even call this a fad, because they are stuck with these things for life! Sure, it looks good now, on their long lean skinny bodies, but what about when they’re sixty and seventy years old? Cause let me tell you – the body don’t stay as firm as it is when you’re in your twenties or thirties. Pretty soon you’ll be peeling your skin back to show your grandchildren. They’ll be like “Grannie, what’s that on your arm? Is that a picture of a snake?” and you’ll peel it back, roll out the fat, and say “Nah, darling. that’s a kitty cat I had put on there back when I thought it was cool.”

Yeah, nice role model you’ll make for your kids, now, won’t ya? Crazy fools who do this! And to have it out where people can see it! I see young girls with tattoos on their lower back, so when they bend over you can see it – but most of them are digging at their shirts trying to hide it. You can’t hide it, darlin. You’re stuck with that poison on there forever. And if you meet John and fall in love, get his name tattooed on your ass, soon the dimples of cellulite will take over and John will drown in the fat of your behind. Nice. Poor John never saw it coming. Nor did the lovely heart tattoo that used to sit on top of your perky breast. Now it’s hanging low, an upside down heart that you can look at right side up now.

And what about those men who are covered in tattoos? The ones who profess to ‘love their momma’. I tell ya, if my son loved his momma that way, he’d have the tattoo of my foot on his ass!! I saw on Oprah where Sandra Bullock’s man Jesse James put his life story on his body. HELLO! Write a damn book, man! Let the world read your story, not see it. Yuck.

And piercings. Let me tell you……..when I go to a restaurant, or fast food place, and I see someone with earrings coming out of their eyebrows, nose, cheeks, chins, lips, etc…….you’d better not expect a tip. How unsanitary is that? They try to tell us to let kids express themselves. Buy them an easel and some paint! Don’t let them destroy their bodies and cause hygiene issues! Can you imagine what it’s like trying to put that ring in your nose? Ewww. Can you say boogie hook? Or in your tongue? I can’t even handle a canker on my tongue, so forget a ring. Don’t get me started with nipple and belly button rings. Everyone needs to take a step back and remember the old days when kids were clean cut, polite, and tattoo/pierced free (except ears). No guns were in schools, drugs didn’t run as freely, and God knows the girls weren’t being paid $5 to help the boys in the washroom clean their firemen. Junior High boys are NOT clean boys. You want to help your children, get them a job, give them your time, and don’t wait to read their life story on their body. Shame on you if you allow this to happen!

I’m steamed now!

Bonnie

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2 COMMENTS

  • Jenna

    I totally agree Bonnie. Tats of roses with EXTRA long stems on grannies in the nursing homes. Piercings on things they haven’t even seen in thirty years. LOL. I’m too chicken for a tat, and too grossed out for a piercing.

  • Lunamama

    Tattoos have been used for thousands of years as a ritual for thousands of different cultures to celebrate and comemorate rights of passage, losses in life and other important milestones in one’s life. For some it is a spiritual undertaking that should never be referred to as “Gross”. How would you feel if someone called the crucifix “Gross”? It is a way of life for many people and one that should not be judged.
    Tattooing has been happening in the US since the 1930’s popular since 1950’s so your ” the old days when kids were clean cut, polite, and tattoo/pierced free” weren’t as tattoo free as you suppose them to be.
    Lets return to the tattoo free days when women and black people were treated as third rate citizens and the only reason boys didn’t behave is because they were all off at war dying.
    Thats my two cents.

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Not so fast. You can be absolutely sure that somewhere in that stack of pages are: embarrassing plot holes; limp love scenes; sentences that clank instead of ring; conflicts that go nowhere; colorless cardboard characters; and fight scenes with absolutely no punch.

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Topics include:

Introduction -- What the class will cover
More than Storytelling -- A terrific story does you no good if your writing is limp, confusing or so illogical you break your reader’s suspension of disbelief. This lesson will explore why rewrites are crucial to excavating and polishing your gem of a story.
Merciless reading -- Spotting problem scenes and deciding on a solution.
Hunting Holes -- Plugging pesky plot holes. “Oh, my God, this makes no sense! How am I going to fix this without throwing out the book?”
Razor Blade Fangs -- Using emotion to give a dull scene big, sharp, pointy teeth.
The Dance of Dialog – Adding interest and sparkle to flat dialog
For God’s Sake, Tell a Joke – Snark, smartassery and sarcasm.
Spicing up the sex – What to do about a love scene that just lies there.
Tear Jerking – Depicting the character’s pain without getting maudlin.
Blood, Sex and Romance -- Giving a fight scene maximum punch
Down in the Dumps – Repairing info dumps.
Fixing a shi**y sentence: How to spot and fix sentences that stop readers in their tracks.
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