When Big Bill Ludowski, owner of the town of Kassenberg’s largest employer, Bill’s Big and Tasty Sausage, dies while in the arms of his long time mistress, Lila Rose, and Lila shows up at his funeral wearing the very heels they found on Bill after his unfortunate demise, you’ve got a recipe for disaster and a few laughs. Here’s the story, as told by Lila’s granddaughter, Mandy, AKA the sausage queen.
The Reverend Coney Hitchcock shuffled to the podium. “What I remember best about Big Bill Ludowski,” he began, “was his big, big sausage.” He went on from there to talk about how tasty Bill’s sausage was. How it was bigger than any other sausage in the state. He imagined Lila Rose would miss that sausage. And yes, everyone in the grand viewing room caught on to the sexual innuendo. There was much clearing of throats. There were a few muffled chuckles. Tony Flint, aged ten and apparently new to sexual innuendo, could be heard giggling. His sister Cleo, telling him to shut up, giggled also. The only people not aware of the sexual innuendo were the good reverend and, on account of the fact that she sobbed through the good reverend’s words, my Gran Lila.
She was sobbing so hard that when the reverend concluded by saying, “And dear Lila would no doubt like to say a few words,” I had to tap her on the shoulder and whisper what had just transpired. By the time she took in my message, the reverend had shuffled from the podium and there was a short and awkward silence.
Gran didn’t seem to notice. She toddled gamely to the podium. At the sight of the stilettos, there was a collective gasp by the crowd, followed again by the clearing of throats. Gran, I must say, handled herself with aplomb. She looked over at Big Bill and said, “I’m going to miss you, honey. Sweet Sue’s baked brownies and then later me and Mandy are going to have a few margaritas in your honor. I wish I could climb right in there with you. But you
wouldn’t want that. So, I’ll be seeing you.”
With that, Gran stepped away from the podium. She caught her heel in the deep pile carpet and, before I could grab her, she got her wish. She toppled over the front of Big Bill’s deluxe walnut coffin, knocked over a large spray of roses the Henderson-Flints had set next to it, and sprawled, fanny up heels out, over Big Bill. I lifted her out and dusted her off, gave her my arm and the two of us marched bravely down the aisle and out the double door.
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