13 Ways to Lose a Lover
Years ago, there was a song by Paul Simon called 50 Ways to Lose a Lover. The premise of the song was that a man wanted to leave his current relationship and a female was listing that there must be many ways to do so, like sneaking out the back or heading to the door. As a modern update, I present 13 Ways to Leave Your Lover (in writing”¦)
1. Have the government fake your death and enter the witness protection program. The perk of this option is that someday”¦ you could come back.
2. Go to work and never come home. This only works if you can afford not to be tracked.
3. Break up via social media/phone. Not classy and you probably have burned your bridges but it is effective.
4. Intentionally get caught cheating. Sure, you will be the bad guy but it will be ooooover.
5. Change the locks. Nothing says “I don’t love you’ like a locked door.
6. Cause a fight. Save the violence for reality tv, though.
7. Stop talking to them at all. Okay, they won’t have closure, but do you care?
8. Have a friend or relative do it for you. Again, like #3, you are removed from the fireworks and it lacks a personal touch but no harm equals no foul.
9. Leave them a post it. Why write a long drawn out letter when a sticky note will do the job just fine?
10. Over the intercom or on the scoreboard at a game. Let everyone know you are available while telling them g’bye, Loser.
11. Poison them! Dead lovers don’t come back.
12. Send your new boyfriend/girlfriend to do the deed. The ensuing fight will make a great story to tell the grandkids!
13. Write a Dear Abby style newspaper columnist. When over coffee, they read that you are done, closure is sweeter with donuts nearby.
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