“Six months, Maddie!” Charlie roared. “More than six fucking months go by before you show up again.”
“I’m sorry,” was all she could say.
They were once again in a setting that Maddie chose, The Bronx Zoo. She was walking slowly in front of them, afraid to turn around and see the matching disapproving stares that they were surely giving her. How could she possibly explain to them the reason she stayed away? She wasn’t even sure that she should be with them now, but she missed them to point of feeling physical pain.
She wondered if her men noticed yet that they were walking through the African Plains attraction, only they were inside with the animals. Only a few feet away from them, a lion was lazing around in the grass. When Maddie finally turned around to face Charlie and Cole, she winced at the look of hurt etched on both their faces. At that moment she wished that the lion would come and attack her and swallow her up whole. She felt like she deserved nothing less. The traitor lion just continued to ignore them and proceeded with his lazing.
“I met someone,” she stated matter-of-factly.
“Is that right?” Charlie’s tone was acidic, hurt and anger radiating off him.
“That’s your big excuse,” Cole spat. “We thought something must have happened to you. And so what if you met someone? Charlie and I never stayed away when we were dating someone. Suddenly we don’t matter to you?”
“No, Cole. No, that’s not it at all,” Maddie pleaded. Her lip trembled. She was on the verge of tears.
It was true that neither of them had ever stayed away that long. As a matter of fact, as the years went by, they saw each other more and more frequently. Even after the first time, their separation was less than three months. But she couldn’t tell them about the guilt she felt for having a boyfriend and how it made her feel unfaithful to them and unfaithful to Josh.
She had met Josh in Paris. He and his buddies had also been “traipsing,” as Cole had put it, through Europe. Josh was from Connecticut, but it turned out that he too would be attending Rutgers University in the fall. She liked him. Toward the end of the summer she had slept with him. But Maddie couldn’t help but feel that she somehow betrayed Charlie and Cole. The guilt kept eating away at her every time she was intimate with Josh. And she felt as if she was lying to Josh by omission. No matter how close she became with him, it didn’t change the fact that Maddie’s heart still belonged to her men. Maddie knew that she would never stop loving Charlie and Cole, but being with them seemed impossible. And she thought that if she were ever going to allow herself to have a normal relationship, she would need to stay away from them.
Her heart ached every day for six months until the separation became too much to bear.
“Did you fuck him?” Charlie barked, his anger escalating.
Maddie gasped. “Don’t you dare speak to me that way, Charlie! And so what if I did? What did you expect? You guys get to fuck other girls and I should”¦what? Be celibate for the rest of my life?”
Maddie saw the wide-eyed look of horror on their faces as she wiped angry tears from her cheeks. They had made her cry. In an instant, she was wrapped in their embrace. They petted her hair, kissed her cheeks, rubbed her back, and whispered apologies.
“I”“I’m s”“sorry,” Maddie stuttered. “I d”“didn’t m”“mean to m”“make you w”“worry. I’m s”“so s”“sorry.”
“Shhh, baby, it’s okay. Hush now,” Charlie crooned. “Just don’t ever do that to us again.”
“I w”“won’t. I promise,” she sniffled.
Charlie and Cole held Maddie until she stopped crying. When they released her from their embrace, they each took hold of one of her hands.
“Do you love him?” Cole asked, his voice low and gravelly.
“No, I don’t,” she said easily.
Maddie thought she imagined the relief she saw on both of their faces. After all, if they felt the same way about me as I do about them, surely they would tell me, she thought.
“Let’s go before that lion decides to eat us,” Charlie said.
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