13 Things You Don’t Want For Your Birthday

1. Bills.

And you know you will get some.  Is it too much to ask the mailman not to deliver any bills on your birthday?  It should be a law.  Also, this goes for anyone attempting to collect a debt.  Seems fair.

2.  Bad news.

We have 364 other days of the year to get bad news.  I once had my ex-husband, who was a wee bit delinquent on child support, wait for over a week to call and tell me he had lost his most recent job… He waited until my birthday.  So wrong.

3. Colds/Infection

There should be a moratorium on illness that covers the entire 24hrs of your day of birth.  One feels more like being happy for having survived yet another year if one is not doing their best to empty the nearest box of Kleenex.

4. Fossilized Frog Guts

This one probably sounds strange, so I will explain.  I have two sons. (For some of you, that is probably explanation enough…) One of them once found a frog that had been squashed and had mostly dried out on the road.  He then stuck said frog (yes, ew.) in his pants pocket thinking, according to him, that running him through the washer and dryer would create a frog mummy (cleaning off any remaining bacteria and then drying out the corpse… He somehow or another got that from science class, or so I was told).   I knew nothing of this.  I just knew that when I pulled the clothes out of the drier, there were bits of something all over it.  When asked, he explained.  And I gagged.

5. Moldy tea.

My children (darling little things) often are kind enough to support Mommy’s writing affliction by giving me coffee or tea while I am working.  As most artists can testify, we aren’t paying much attention to the real world while focused on the ones we are trying to create.  I slurped down one such mug of iced tea (I don’t know why a mug… they are kids.) and had asked the nearest child for a refill.  Halfway through my second mug, I glanced into the cup.  Even in a haze, I noticed something floating on the surface of the drink.  I had to come out of the haze to identify it as mold and gag. 

6. Moldy coffee.

See #5.  Assume from there.  I have two coffee pots.  Sometimes, one doesn’t get dumped.  Nuff  said.

7. Burning windshield wipers

I was once in a car accident that trapped me in the car.  I saw my wipers melt.  I also discovered that there are a surprising number of places that smoke can come into the cabin of a car if the engine is on fire.  Sucktastic birthday gift.

8. Live insects

Again, I have sons.  Not that I have a bug issue.  I like praying mantis.  I don’t like any of the others.  At.  All.  I have a really hard time pretending I love the gift if it is crawling up my arm and I am running around the house screaming, “Get it off!!!!”

9. Washing Machine

Or other major appliances or any gift (dishwasher) which requires (blender) more (toaster oven) work.  Not to say that if you have really wanted an appliance and they get it for you it is a bad thing.  What I am referring to here is the woman who hates to cook (me) getting an oven with a big smile and a Betty Crocker cookbook.  No.  I would not like an oven. And you cannot make me, Sam-I-Am.

10.  Shotgun

Or other (boat trailer) gifts (season pass) that (fishing pole) your (camping gear) significant (pick-up truck) other (golf clubs) wanted for themselves. If you want any of these things, fine.  If they want them and are using your birthday as an excuse to get them for themselves (Fine, you don’t like it so I will put it in the garage.) then I recommend using the item to hit them.  See, now you like those golf clubs, don’t you?

11. Lost

 Getting lost on your birthday is somehow even less fun than getting lost any other time.  Some days, you might almost enjoy the extra couple of miles that takes you someplace new to see something you might never have known was there without the unplanned detour.  Heading towards cake is not the time for it.

12. Hot Wax.

 Do I have to give details?  Nothing good ever comes of an inexperienced hand and a tub of hot wax.

13. Gym Membership

 This is not (stairmaster) the correct (free weights) way to (elliptical) motivate me to become physically fit.  All I see is that you think I am fat.  (Unless you like these things, in which case, see #9 &#10 for disclaimer) And I do not want to work out on my birthday.  I do, however, wonder if you can catch this free weight.  Let’s try it out.

What was the worst birthday gift you ever received?

1. Start here

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